Finding My Lotus Before The Winter

 DAY 4

As the moment of death approaches I can feel myself trembling as I stare at the picture album of my life and all that it has been. 42 years of shit and sunshine flash before my eyes. Did I find my lotus before the winter, or will I die with my dream unrealized?

When Dad was diagnosed with 'that lung cancer' he was dragged kicking and screaming to his knees. In the beginning, he struggled to leave behind the familiar life he once knew. (See below for a photograph of Dad looking grumpy as he set out on the path to find his lotus before the winter.)

However, in the 104 days that followed Pops found himself walking the road less travelled, and as the days progressed, the edges of his heart began to soften and expand,and slowly but surely everything superficial  faded away to reveal the only thingy worth remembering in this lifetime ... LOVE.  (See below for a photograph of Dad looking happy after finding his lotus before the winter.)

The mind does nothing but talk and ask questions, and search for meanings.
The heart does not talk, does not ask questions, does not search for meanings.
It silently moves toward God and surrenders itself to Him.

Francis of Assis

I 

Looking Through The Eyes of Love

DAY 5

I'm going to look twice at you ...

... Until I see the Christ in You.

Letting Go ..

DAY  6

As death approaches I sense a hard, knot in my belly as the ego tries desperately hard to convince me to abandon this ridiculous test and get back to familiarity. Mr Ego has advised me to keep busy to help numb out any feelings of pain. Everything from overeating to training to studying. It promises heaven and yet in it's relentless quest to protect itself condemns me to hell.

I went for a quiet walk in the woods and sat on my favourite wooden bench overlooking the pond; a silent place to say goodbye to all I have been in this life; teacher of God, workshop facilitator, writer, personal trainer, bodybuilder, counsellor, actor, singer, meditator, photographer, tea maker, fiance, son, brother, uncle and friend. 

A silent place to grieve the simple things; like holding hands with Ell, drinking green tea, listening to birdsong, riding the bike, preparing for a part in a play, meditating in the space between the bed and the door, walking in nature, driving Winston down a winding road, blogging, downloading a favourite album, singing in the shower, weight training, and eating melted cheese on rye toast topped with spring onions. 

In 6 days time all this will be erased in a single sigh.

My name-GONE.

My face-GONE.

My reputation-GONE;

and  I will float free in my original spaciousness.

The Forgotten Song

DAY 7

Listen, - perhaps you catch a hint of a ancient state not quite forgotten; dim perhaps, and yet not altogether unfamiliar, like a song whose name is long forgotten, and the circumstances in which you heard completely unremembered. Not the whole song has stayed with you, but just a little wisp of melody, attached not to a person or a place or anything particular. But you remember, from just this little part, how lovely was the song, how wonderful the setting where you heard it, and how you loved those who were there and listened with you.

The notes are nothing. Yet you have kept them with you, not for themselves, but as a soft reminder of what would make you weep if you remembered how dear it was to you. You could remember, yet you are afriad, believing you would lose the world you learned since then. And yet you know that nothing in the world you learned is half so dear as this. Listen,and see if you remember an ancient song you knew so long ago, and held more dear than any melody you taught yourself to cherish since.

Beyond the body, beyond the sun and stars, past everything you see and yet somehow familiar, is an arc of golden light that stretches as you look into a great and shining circle. And all the circle fills with light  before your eyes. The edges of the circle disappear, and what is in it is no longer contained at all. The light expands and covers everything, extending to infinity forever shining with no break or limit anywhere. Within it everything is joined in perfect continuity. Nor is it possible to image that anything could be outside, for there is nowhere that the light is not. - ACIM

Angel of Death - Pt 2

DAY 8

Supposedly, when a person is close to leaving his or her body an Angel of Death appears, and when this Angel appears it means that it is time to go. During Dad's last few hours on earth my big siss mentioned that he kept looking towards the foot of the bed, which leads me to believe that the Dark Angel may have been in the room.

I sincerely believe that the Angel of Death is Gods most understanding angel.

I also think that  the Angel of Death  gives us a tiny window of time to tie up any loose ends, and say our goodbyes. Dad spent his final hours saying goodbye to everyone he loved; both friends and family before  taking his last breath and leaving this world behind.

The nurses in the hospice where Dad spent his final days had no interest in saving his life; on the contrary, their main focus was to gently help him prepare to make the final journey. I truly believe that these nurses may have an intimate relationship with the Angel of Death, and an understanding of the delicate way death unfolds.

As day turned to night, death entered through the tips of Dad's fingers, gently coaxing his soul from the body, out through the top of the head.

When Mum spoke with me the following day on the phone, she said that witnessing Dad take his final breath was breathtakingly beautiful.

I pray that when my time comes - which is very soon soon, as An Experiment in Conscious Dying draws to a close - that the Angel of Death is as nice to me as he was to Dad, but that he doesn't take me with him on this occasion when I do my final last breath meditation. However, if he does, at least I'll have spent the last 104 days preparing for it.

'I loose the world from all I thought it was' - ACIM

Many Happy (Non) Returns

DAY 9

Today is my 42nd birthday.

This will be my final illusory birthday in this particular incarnation. 42 years ago on the 16th of Janurary 1969 I returned to earth in the form of a bouncing baby boy called Nige. What did I come here to learn? Well, I just have to take a closer look at challenges I have attempted to overcome in this lifetime - losing a testicle, bullying, sexual abuse - to see my current curriculum take form. This lifetime has been a fascinating adventure in for-getting and remembering  I have learnt that there is no middle ground, no in-between. To choose one is to let go of the other. In other words; it is impossible to be in both places at the same time. In my limited experience; forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to remembering.  It doesn't matter if you are aged 6 or 60, the same guidelines apply to everyone, and in all situations.

Here are just some of the sparkly highlights from my 42nd birthday..

Started the day with meditation, prayers and acknowledgments.

Recieved a beautiful handmade birthday card from Ell. This is what it looked like .. 

I wept on seeing this and thought to myself;  if more parents gave cards like this to their children on birthdays the world would be a better place to live.

My beloved Ell  also gave me a lovely gift, wrapped up in pink paper with a fancy bow; a dictionary and thesaurus to help me learn new words like inimitable -which means impossible to immitate.

Rustled up millet flakes for breakfast with raisins, figs, apple and goats milk. Yummie.

Made a windy road trip in Winston to Marwell Zoo. Home to over 250 exotic and endangered species, in beautiful surroundings.

Said hello to a friendly Humbolt penguin performing aqua aerobics. ( Aqua aerobics is an ideal way to improve the health of the heart and lungs and burn off some calories without suffering excessive wear and tear on the body.)

Connected with the Okapi.;The Okapi is a timid animal which lives in the densest parts of the forests of Central Africa. I am still baffled as to why they had the radio playing in the enclosure.  Maybe, the sound of soothing music was to help relieve the Okapi of  painful memories of loss of habitat, friends and family in the deep forests of Central Africa.

Ell cried when she saw the giraffes. Giraffes are very tall with long necks which is proably very useful for seeing an angry human with a gun from afar and may help save a life.

We shared a feta salad for lunch and listened to the birds singing.

Had an honest chat with Ell over a cup of berry tea.

Met lots of little people filled with wonder.

Ell and me shared the disabled loo at the same time and came out to a crowd of queing people, who looked at us like we had been doing zoo sex.

Ate dins at a pub in Arundel- chicken and leek pie with mash that looked suspiciously like chips.

Made pictures using crayons

Had a wobbly moment  when I started to feel  birthday pressure to make this day the best one ever. Fortunately, Ell was on hand to remind me me that I am innocent.

Crawled into bed, snuggled up with Ell,  and had a catnap.

Ell gave me a birthday massage which hurt like heaven.



Taught Ell how to sit up straight and raise both arms over her head when having a poo to help open up her vowels. According to Karen Kingston in her bestselling book Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui - 'if your colon is clear , your body thrives and your life works. If your colon is clogged , it will affect everything you do.'

Retired for bed thoroughly exhausted but happy.

 All in all, it was a smashing birthday

XXX

Beyond All Limits

DAY 11

As a bee seeks nectar from all kinds of flowers

seek teachings everywhere.

Like a deer that finds a quiet place to graze

seek seclusion to digest all that you have gathered.

Like a mad one beyond all limits

go where you please and live like a lion

completely free of all fear. 

Dzogchen Tantra