Monday, 18 October 2010

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it

DAY 102

I awoke with a huge black rainy Ego cloud hanging over my head.

You DON'T have what it takes to act truthfully. You’re a FAKE and a PHONEY. Might be better to pull out of the show before you make a complete IDIOT of yourself. Elloa could step in for you and play Bowe for the rest of the run afterall she knows all the lines... 

I was paralysed with fear.

 Fortunately, Guards(wo)man Elloa- mighty companion and ex doppleganger agreed to witness my process. 

Words of anger, attack and blame tumbled from my mouth quickly falling away to reveal an overwhelming sadness. Growing up, I often compared myself to Dad. He was my first experience of God, and I wanted to emulate him. But no matter how much I tried, I always fell just short of the mark. I started to cry for the wounded boy. Ell encouraged me to lift my head and make eye contact. There is something remarkably humbling about letting another human being witness our grief and sorrow. It enables us to experience something exquisite; the recognition of the truth in ourselves and others as we truly are.

An ancient hate is passing from this world. And with it goes all hatred and fear. Look back no longer, for what lies ahead is all you ever wanted in your heart. ACIM

In preparation for tonights performance I warmed up slowly to gentle music; this helped draw my attention to any tension areas in the body. Then I sat quietly and spent a few minutes breathing deeply and relaxing the muscles . Relaxation is an important prelude to  concentration and when combined with affective sense memory points to a truthful, realistic performance.
Slowly but surely, Nige disappeared and the wounded soldier emerged.; a fragile flower. I held him close to me and reassured him that everything was going to be okay.
What followed was a heartfelt performance filled with deep emotion, light and shade.The audience became Bowes witness, as he muddled his way through what occured at Chalk Pit Wood on the day he went 'Over the top'.
There was an awkward silence in the theatre, as the audience hung onto to Bowes every word. Men and women started to weep, as they came to understand and know his despair as there own, and for a brief moment, separate interests fell away, and they became one. Maybe, this quiet moment of remembrance from the audience, may just have done enough to help set Bowe free.

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, its never too late

DAY 101

‘ Come to the edge,’ he said.
They said, ‘ We are afraid.’
‘ Come to the edge,’ he said.
They came.
He pushed them and they flew



  1. Ah! I am so grateful that you are sharing your heart and soul on here, Nige. Beautiful words, beautiful images... so lovely to just take a moment, read, and connect - oh, and giggle!! What a great description of me!

    My name is Elloa and I am a recovering doppelganger!


  2. Nige. It's so good to be here in this real, honest space. The huge black rainy Ego cloud has been camping out over my head lately. Thank you for sharing your experience with it & how you moved slowly through.

    I've been doing this "work" for so long now, it feels like the ego should be loosening its grip and, mostly, i do feel a loosening but sometimes it feels even stronger and grippy-er.

    Thank you for being one of those people who gets what i'm talking about. It is so good to have another companion & witness on this wild, beautiful, all-over-the-place, love-filled, wacky, silly ride.

  3. "There is something remarkably humbling about letting another human being witness our grief and sorrow. It enables us to experience something exquisite; the recognition of the truth in ourselves and others as we truly are."

    Thank you for this. So beautifully said.

    My wounded child is coming out in a big way right now, trying to sing new songs and grow up again with different beliefs about being loved, so, your honesty about yours touched me.

    This experiment is blowing me away with the amount of depth and focus it is providing you, not to mention that you are able to see it pervading all moments of your life, your relationships, your creative life, and your past lives. And the funny thing is that I feel this trippy sensation that we are all going through it too in our very own way--as in things have intensified. Sometimes I feel like you and Elloa are literally next door.