Thursday, 4 November 2010

Black Angel

DAY 84

Black Angel first befriended me when I was a boy. He agreed to protect me from ever having to re-experience the ridicule and humiliation familiar with losing a testicle, or the pain associated with sexual abuse. Black Angel became my imaginary friend  keeping me out of harms way. Today, he sits on my right shoulder like a scavenging vulture- feeding on the guilt of shattered dreams.

‘That way is hard indeed, and very lonely. Fear and grief are your guests, and they go with you and abide with you on the way’ ACIM

Initially, when I discover a good idea I am filled with energy and commitment but the moment I have to take massive action something happens; fear consumes me, spreading through my mind like a virus, obliterating creativity and spontaneity and deadening the senses. Then I burn out and find myself distracted by the next thing. A friend once said that I am like a dog following a scent, going off in one direction, then picking up another and heading off in a different direction.

So, with 84 days left to live, I am  filled with regret at having thrown away my life.

DAY 83 

Peace Angel also befriended me when I was a boy. He is love without conditions. Peace Angel supports the process of my life encouraging me to explore golden avenues of potential , celebrating every step along the way. Peace Angel sits on my left shoulder. He is a true friend.

‘ God doesn’t love anyone over anyone else. There is no atom in the universe more blessed than any other . No one has more potential for greatness than anyone else. The ultimate success of your career will not be determined by credentials, backing or marketing techniques. It will be determined by your ability to access the spiritual gulf stream.’  -  Mariane Willilamson

In other words; the existence of Peace Angel  preceded Black Angel.

Black Angel has worked extremely hard for me during this lifetime, but its time to give him a new job description, in which his skills can be used in service of Peace Angel.

My days of being like a like a dog following a scent, going off in one direction, then picking up another and heading off in a different direction are finished.

 'Though there are achievements to be made and lessons to be learned from each thing, it is better that the clarity of which way to go comes from within, over a sustained period of time.'  - Ian Patrick

I have 83 days left to discover my true nature before the winter - something that will allow me to add value to the world.

The question is what do I REALLY want? Rather than what do I  want this week or this month?

'God hides nothing from His Son, even though His Son would hide himself. Yet the Son of God cannot hide his glory, for God will him to be glorious, and gave him the light that shines in him. You will never lose your way, for God leads you. When you wander, you but undertake a journey that is not real. The dark companions, the dark way are all illusions. Turn toward the light, for the little spark in you is part of a Light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever'. -ACIM


  1. At the risk of preaching to the preacher....
    Do not worry about WHO to be in this life - your mom already decided that some years ago when she named you Nigel, and you took your Father's name; Nigel Atkinson is who you are.
    Do not worry about WHAT to be in this life - you already decided that many years ago (perhaps even many lives before) when you decided to be peaceful, caring and loving to all around you.
    Do not worry about what to DO in this life - it's simple. Be you. Do what you are. Love the world and be good to it - and the world will love you and be good to you.
    Time is too short for worries my dear friend - time to get busy living! :-)

  2. Hey Nige... Your post has grounded me and brought me right back into my body for the first time today; thank you. I am breathing deeply having read your words - and Steve's amazing comment! I love that you quoted Ian in your post, too.

    I would like to publicly acknowledge the step you have taken in writing and publishing this post. You are COURAGE. You are HEART. You are CLARITY.

    Which Voice will I choose to listen to today? My Black Dog (just like Churchill!) or my Soarer?

    Thanks for the reminder.
    Love, love, love xxx

  3. Thank you for speaking to something deep within. This was a powerful post. Like Elloa, it grounded me right into this moment. What do I really want? Such a good question. What is it that I want that never goes away?

    You are inspiring me with all of the energy that you have to show up here and share your process. I have been stuck in a sticky phase of what does my voice really matter? When I read yours, I am so glad that you took the time to write.

    Thank you!

  4. Wow. So much of this resonates, Nige...especially the part about getting really energized by lots of things & then fear stepping in & taking over. And this part: "I am like a dog following a scent, going off in one direction, then picking up another and heading off in a different direction." This seems to be me too.

    I have struggled so much...trying too hard to discover my purpose/how I might add some light to this world...I found so much comfort in Steve's comment.

    You are brave to share so much of yourself here-I feel honored to get to know you in this way.

    You are already adding deep value to this world, Nige...consider that a done deal--and that will just continue to expand-simply by you being you.

    Sending love.

  5. Hey Nige. Thank you for your support during my death journey. It was a profound experience to live an entire year with full attention and awareness on the temporary nature of our time here. I know that truth in my head, yet to hold it so closely in my heart was intense, awakening and intimately expansive. I'm happy to have inspired your own journey and I believe that what you are doing is beautiful. Blossoming is afoot! Happy Trails!