Boys To Men

DAY 19

Growing up, Dad was my first experience of God. He was my first friend, my teacher, I watched his every move trying to emulate him at every opportunity.

Sadly, things started to turn sour between me and Pops during my early teens when I discovered that he wasn't God afterall - but a human being. This could be likened to the day I discovered that Father Christmas wasn't real. I felt dazed and confused. I ended up blaming him for my pain, believing that he had abandoned me, and spent the next few years walking the solitary path of fear.

 Through the ages, men have committed dreadful historical atrocities. Idi Amin, Pot Pol, Josef Stalin, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler to name a few. Sadly, men continue to carry this collective guilt for the perceived sins of all men. We carry a gnawing suspicion of who we are and as a result  become a shadow of ourselves. We are taught to be tough ; to compete, and to feel nothing. In my experience; there is nothing more frightening and dangerous than a wounded boy trapped in a man's body.

 'This world is a picture of the crucifixion of Gods son. And until you realise that Gods son cannot be crucified, this is the world you will see.' - ACIM

It was only during time spent in Canada in 93/94 that I discovered a book called  A Course in Miracles, found the courage to participate in a life transforming workshop called The Awakening, and decided to become a teacher of God. It was like learning to walk all over again. I was determined  to lay down my sword and make friends with my wounds. Initially, I was filled with hulk-like fury but eventually this fell by the wayside, to reveal feelings of guilt and shame, and beneath this was the essence of a beautiful man waiting to be remembered for what he absolutely is.

I started to study the Course, and that Christmas returned to England to conduct a series of interviews with my family, in an attempt to discover more about myself. The results were nothing short of miraculous.

I found myself sitting in a room with a man who as a boy had been thrown aside like a tatty old sweater, by a Father who according to Dad emptied the house of all its contents and disappeared leaving the family with nothing. He had to grow up quickly, often looking after his brother and sister whilst his mother went out to work in the factory. Dad always believed something was missing in his life, that he was robbed of a childhood.

Suddenly, the walls of separation came crashing down, and I found myself weeping  for this broken man- for all men.

Healing tears.

That's how me and Dad became friends again.

This decision to step out of my comfort zone, and make the journey from fear to love saved my life - and my relationship with my Father. As Dad prepared to leave his body I was able to say the most important words of all 'I Love You', and even though he couldn't say those words back because he was too sick to speak, I know in my heart that he understood with perfect certainty.

In 19 days I will die knowing that I made a difference to my Fathers life, by simply reminding him that he was enough; that it was perfectly safe to open his heart, feel all his feelings; to laugh and cry and to simply be the kind and gentle man he was born to be.

'Somewhere between the mask of being nice but invisible, and the armor of being right but alone, is the face of a man being truly honest, truly certain and truly loving.' - Duane O'kane

May God give us a healed vision of what it  truly means to be a man